the first day of my life

this week has just been a whirlwind of change and new experiences. i'm not going to lie and say that i am having the time of my life, because i'm not. however, it's not exactly the hell i expected it to be. i'm going to credit that fact to my friends who go here. we're going to make san diego state the place to be. most of my professors are great and interesting and the campus does have it's nice points.

my classes don't seem to be too difficult. of course, i am not counting chemistry in there. chemistry is a whole different matter. i have a feeling it is going to kick my a**. i need to garner some sort of affinity for chemistry because i already know it's going to be the hardest class i've ever taken. and, how's this for pressure - i need an A or B or i will never get into the nursing program. you only get one chance. also, it's not regular chemistry. the course is called general, organic, and biochemistry for nurses. so, what would have taken maybe three semesters is now one semester.

i can get used to this type of life. actually, it feels like i already have. i'm exhausted after the school day ends though. today and tomorrow are my easier days, with only two classes each.

i'll write more later. now, i have a psychology lecture to go to.

The "6 Lanes" of California

... 1:55 AM; awakened by the undistinguishable noise my mother was making in her sleep. I'd say it was a mixture of snoring and gurgling mouthwash in the morning. I guess that's what happens with age; you develop absurd sleeping habits.

Just recently returned from my trip to Thousand Oaks. Quite a bittersweet 48 hours of spending last minute "hang time", guy scouting, laughing/joking, and ... finally saying goodbye for now to one of the best people I know. I hope she's having the time of her life in CLU. I'd bet she is, being across the hall from extremely good-looking water polo players ;).

... which brings me to this late-night metaphor of California. I met a girl while at CLU who was originally from Chicago. Her first observation of California was this: "... Oh my god, it's beautiful here. It's crazy! Driving here is scary, you guys have like 6 lanes in your freeway! It's impossible to drive around here!"

I'd say she's quite right. Well, no we only have 4 lanes in California to be exact. Anyway, I see that as an elaborate, underlying commentary about the Californian lifestyle. For example, in Washington there are only 2-lane highways for the most part while we of course have at least 4. To an extent it represents the kind of people we are,and the unconventional, unique nature we have. I'd say San Diegans for the most part because I'm biased.

People we are= Unsatisfied. Always wanting more; wanting 4 freeway lanes.
Driven, unafraid, etc.
The 6 Lanes of California= The beautifully simple (laid back) but most complex form of living (what it takes to survive in the "6 lane freeway").

Our lives in a nutshell:


... linear but always intertwining.
"Simple but only in the most complex form."

SO LONG SWEET SUMMER

SO LONG SWEET SUMMER.
i stumbled upon you and gratefully basked in your rays



if last summer was the summer of discovery, this summer was the summer of growing up.

this was the summer i graduated from high school and the summer before college. i wanted to make it one of the best summers i've ever had. and i succeeded.

i've made so much memories this summer. from june to august, hardly a day went by that i wasn't having the most amazing times and conversations with some of the most amazing people i know. i've had a summer of new experiences and new friends. i've let myself go a little bit, becoming more free and more open-minded. i've learned to accept myself and become a better person all around.

i've going to start san diego state tomorrow and even though i may not like and certainly would not have chosen it if things were perfect, i'm going to stay driven and passionate, even if it means spending more time on schoolwork than i'm used to and limiting social life. i'm going to prove everyone wrong and prove that one is capable of doing anything one puts their mind to.

i'm going to let go of my dreams of ucsd. i'm going to forget that i ever wanted to go there and that once upon a time, that was my college. i'm not going to let something i can't change take over my life which is why i have to let go of this dream.

i spent the last day of my summer reminiscing and in the company of a good friend, talking about life and hope and every little thing in between.

these four years are going to be difficult and stressful but i'll think about the good times to come and all the amazing experiences waiting to happen. it's time to start a new album in my soundtrack of life. and i know it's going to be the most spectacular yet.

(so long sweet slumber)
i fell into you, now you're gracefully falling away

glass menagerie/paradise lost

i have come to realize over the last 18 years of my life that san diego (SD) is my home.
but along with this realization i have come to see that i have no real "home" here.

the house that i am in is no home. i am almost never alone &privacy is not an option here.

life takes place outside these stifling walls. with friends - like my fellow SSD-ers - i get away for most of the day &come home to reprimanding &lectures.

this is typical.
but how typical is it that your parents count your underwear?

or how typical is it that your parents say that you cant take care of yourself
while it seems that you are taking care of yourself &those who you care about?

the second scenario is probably more typical or should i say more relative to you.
but you get the idea.

going back to the the big picture.
the big beautiful picture of america's finest city, san diego.



this city, this place
has clipped our wings &delayed our flight into the bigger world.

for a time uncertain it will be our glass menagerie.

until then, we are stuck in san diego.

transients

we'll make the great escape

for all those who have ever been oppressed, you know exactly how we feel.

in contrast to billions of people in more impoverished nations of the world, there are worse things in life than being stuck in beautiful san diego. many people have dreams of studying in san diego and living out their college lives in our city. 

however, there are always those like us who wish and dream for something more. for us, san diego has been good and we've had not much complains for this town in which we live in. but, we're allowed to have our own dreams, right?

ever since i was young, i've been a good student. i continued to be in high school. i had hopes of getting into the best colleges so i did rigorous college prep classes, community service, lots of activities, and even tennis. i worked so hard junior and senior year that i almost burned myself out.

and come college application times and i wasn't even allowed to apply to the schools i've been wanting since i knew about them. i wanted so much to leave and really experience college. i was ready to accept individuality and change. I WAS READY.

but, sadly, it wasn't meant to be. i'm stuck living at home and stuck in a college i never really wanted to attend in the first place. 

so, for now, i'll accept this circumstance but i'm going to experience life outside of familiarity one day. and, when i do, i know it'll all be worth it just because of how much i've sacrificed for it. 

-vladimir

in addendum, 

this blog was partly inspired by my trip to kohl's and my sad realization that i wouldn't need to go shopping for dorm room decorations.

 

Smothered in Self-Doubt

While most leave the nest to spread their wings a little and leave to another place to gain a so-called college education, I am stuck in the same nest I've been accustomed to my whole life; San Diego. It's a city I've developed a bittersweet relationship with. It's been great to me for the past 10 years, providing me with sunshine, good food, and most importantly amazing people from all walks of life. Now, it all comes down to this: I want to get out of here! Now! I want to get out now.
Simply however, I'm stuck here. Not good enough for Berkeley or UCLA, I am left to attend UCSD, left to be smothered in self-doubt... will I ever be good enough for anything else other than familiarity? The familiarity of this town and of its people? I want to explore and be tortured by all the cruelty and ugliness that the rest of the world has to offer me, but alas it is no longer possible. Not at this moment, not for a couple of years.
Nonetheless, I am glad to share this feeling of being stuck in paradise with two great friends; Elma and Vladimir. Together we are the inconquerable "Eljemir". We are blog warriors, here to blog the brains out of everything SD has to offer.